There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
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I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
When he asks for feet pics
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
thanks auntie mary
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.