There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
hmm conte-me mais
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Cool shirt 🙂
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no