It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
You Might Also Like
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light