*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
thank god the sign was there
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.