There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!