There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!