@cray_at_home_ma: There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@lovejulieacafe: So UBER is not a dating app? *sigh* I kinda thought all those 'Goodbye' kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
@GingerAtLaw: You'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor