There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
couldn’t resist
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.