@cray_at_home_ma: There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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@Underchilde: [Minister]: Do you take this woman to be your lawful— [Groom]: I’m just here for the open bar.
@Jake_Vig: THERAPIST: You're cured. ME: Really?!? THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
@In_Twittaland: No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods. Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
@david8hughes: [lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."