@cray_at_home_ma: There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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@Coastiefish: This guy says he rides a bike 20 miles a day, and then runs 5 miles a day too. Yo bro, you gotta get a car.
@XplodingUnicorn: Teenager: Bae swag YOLO Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
@RobElliottComic: [having sex] Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS! Her: USE YOUR HANDS! Me: *raises the roof*
@gorrdano: If you're going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.