If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
when you order from DoorDastardly
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband