@LizHackett: There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Home_Halfway: Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
@WilliamAder: Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We're not crime-fighting crusaders. We're buying stamps.
@juliussharpe: Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
@PaperWash: mom: I'm not your friend I'm your mother! [20 years later] mom: why won't you accept my friend request on FB? I'm your mother