@LizHackett: There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs."
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@tsm560: In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I like a man who's well-informed. ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.
@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
@JaneBadall: I've set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I'm always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.