There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.