There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Selfie
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Oh we’ve met.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
nature’s most graceful animal
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)