There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
You Might Also Like
ok like just. call me at this point
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave