[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.