Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow