There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Ugh
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.