There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
WHY?!
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?