There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Breaking news:
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.