If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve