In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
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here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
mmm onion ringos
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.