There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
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Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
calling in to work dehydrated