There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one