There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.