As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
You Might Also Like
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕