There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
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no one ever comes back
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”