There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”