“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
canadian assassins are called killergrams
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.