“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.