@defdanielle: there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting
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@iliezabeth: ME: can u pick me up in ur claws DRAGON: go AWAY dammit ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper. Me: What am I? 4-year-old: In the way.
@ArfMeasures: [after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy