We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.