My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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