@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
@tigersgoroooar: hate when the barista asks "do you want whipped cream?" it feels there are only two answers: "yes please, i'm fat." or "no thanks, i'm fat."
@edgarrants: My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter...
Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal.
@KellyMeldrum: My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
@MikeCanRant: Black guy just told me "Stay up playa" but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.
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