There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Google Pay be like:
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers