@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!

@tigersgoroooar: hate when the barista asks "do you want whipped cream?" it feels there are only two answers: "yes please, i'm fat." or "no thanks, i'm fat."

@edgarrants: My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter... Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal.

@KellyMeldrum: My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

@MikeCanRant: Black guy just told me "Stay up playa" but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.