There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.