There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago