There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who