There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.