@JohnFugelsang: There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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@LuvPug: My son just hugged me. Him: You smell good. Me: Like what? Him: *sniffs* You smell like love. Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
@graceful_asfuck: Nurse: What is your pain level? Me: 5 Nurse: What level is acceptable to you? Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
@GregDorris: "Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined." - Moron who clearly hasn't pictured a Crocoshark.
@JB4Realz: WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for "Identical". ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.