There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Once you鈥檝e had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I want you to rub my belly but I鈥檓 going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Otters see a butterfly.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
馃拃
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
鈿笍馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛
馃煝鈿笍鈿笍馃煛鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煝
馃煣鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
鈿笍馃煝馃煛鈿笍馃煣
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍鈿笍
鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煛馃煝
馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煣鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煝not wordle, just some fried rice 鈽猴笍
But that’s none of my business
dog 911: what鈥檚 your emergency
dog: there鈥檚 an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he鈥檚 across the street
dog 911: that鈥檚 not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE