There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Legend 🤣🤣
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.