There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.