There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
can’t catch a break
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.