There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
the best thing i’ve ever made
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.