There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Not today. 😅
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better