Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
You Might Also Like
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
No. YOU-buprofen.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?