A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”