So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
It was worth a shot 😂
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.