@thenatewolf: There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don't know if it's a murder or a rare Pokemon.
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@lazerdoov: "Be cool, it's the cops" I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
@NYC_Blonde: If someone specifies that you're book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they're calling you stupid.
@HFromTheNam: Husband:-"So when you starting back at the gym"? Me:-"Why"? H:-"Because you need to" His funeral takes place next week.