It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…