My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
me, after any kind of buffet.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW