the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops