There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My last name is Zilla.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?