Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The honesty is refreshing
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
True
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.