There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!