There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.