@neiltyson: There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don't.
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@ImaFlyontheWall: Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok
@Jake_Vig: Dear rock bands, If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
@HairyJew4Life: Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
@jaslakhmna: You may have a drinking problem - when your mother asks you to toast the bread.....and you raise your glass and say "here's to the bread"!