@neiltyson: There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don't.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Boss: You're late Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time Boss: That would make today Saturday Me: You're right. I'll go home
@longwall26: To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
@beefman138: Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?