HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.